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Improve a 4 sentence pitch

État: Closed
Prix: $10
Propositions reçues: 3
Gagnant: petermainah

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Résumé du concours

I need someone to improve the pitch I have written using the Napkin Business Canvas framework. The details about this canvas can be found here: https://hackernoon.com/the-napkin-business-canvas-9b019550ae3.

I have it written completely, 11 lines long (short)

I would like to:
- Make it sound more impactful
- Add an emotional aspect to it as well (if possible)
- Make it concise
- Reframe / Improve the sentences.

I will use it to do a 40-50 second voice over recording. So it needs to be within that time frame. The pitch is basically just describing a product and what it does.

I have added the necessary things you will need about the section "who want to" and "to" in the paragraph below in the same file. And these are the two main sections that need more attention.

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Commentaire de l'employeur

“Good communication, fast work. ”

thirteenthgr, Canada.

Meilleures propositions de ce concours

dhanidarmawan Indonesia

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Tableau de clarification publique

dhanidarmawan
- il y a 2 ans
In my project, I did some revisions, edited a few sentences from the previous one that might corner the other party as a competitor in your product
I hope the project that I show in this contest can be your choice.
and with a short tone of speech may be conveyed in speech that takes between 40-50 seconds
- il y a 2 ans
petermainah
- il y a 2 ans
See my submission #1 #increaseprize
- il y a 2 ans